Tag Archives: Relationships

‘A Cheat is a Cheat’ and Other Readers’ Stories of Infidelity – Yahoo! News

Christianity, Family, Life 1 Comment

‘A Cheat is a Cheat’ and Other Readers’ Stories of Infidelity – Yahoo! News.

This hits home. I remember, after I discovered my ex-husband was cheating on me, going to someone in my church and telling them we were divorcing. I tried to explain that the hurt was too deep, I was too tired of the abuse and quite-frankly, all I wanted to do was to take my babies and go home to my family. I explained he was in another relationship and did not want to get out of it.

 

Their reply was: You gotta hang on. You gotta keep believing. Then someday, you will have saved his life without him evening knowing it.

I said: I’ve done this for ten years and I can’t do anymore. Especially since he refuses to quit his extramarital relationship. I’m done.

Their answer was: Well, thank God Jesus never gave up on us.

I said: I’m not Jesus

….and I never darkened the door of that church again. And I never will.

 

Pat Robertson reminds me of all self-righteous people I meet almost on a daily basis. He reminds me how far people really are from understanding God’s love and he reminds me that even people in his position can stumble over something so simple as love.

 

There is NOTHING I could have done to save my marriage. However, I was smart enough to realize that I was worth saving, that I HAD to be saved from my marriage in order to bring my daughters through as well as myself. I was smart enough to realize that, had I stayed, there was a real possibility that my girls would choose for their husbands what I chose for mine.

 

Was it hard leaving? It sure was! Did it hurt? Yes. My girls and I came home to Illinois broken and beaten and very angry. And yeah, we were angry with God, or I was. I was very angry with God. After all, I was married to someone who stood in the center ring of ministry. But you know what? That’s not enough. It’s never enough. Pretending just won’t do! You either live it or you don’t!

 

Mr. Robinson, isn’t your 15 minutes up yet????

Happy Birthday, Mommy!

Family, Life, Parenting, Relationships, Single Parenting 2 Comments

Last month, I posted a letter my father wrote to me when I was fourteen years old. In the same vein, here is my mother’s letter to me. My mother is the most amazing woman I know and a true mom in every sense of the word. She’s always done anything and everything for her children. No sin too great she would not forgive. No deed too small she would not praise it to the hills. Time and time again, we’ve left to live our lives only to return home, broken-hearted with our children in tow and truck loads of emotional baggage. She’d help us unpack all our emotions and issues, give us the space to deal with our pain, hold us while we cried and did whatever it took to get us up on our feet again. She’s simply the truest meaning of beauty there is.

Here is her letter to me written on February 24, 1982.

Dear Vikki: 

This is a letter from me to you just to say “I love you”. I love you for all the years of joy and happiness and love you have brought to Daddy, me and the rest of the family. 

Just when we least expect it, you do something to surprise us. Like the many times I come home and find that you have not only cleaned the house but prepared dinner and then serve it to me on a tray. It shows your kindness and love to me. The way you care about our problems and worries and cares. 

Your beautiful, smiling face and your contagious giggle make us all happy. 

You have grown up so fast and soon will be starting high school What a lucky school it is too; to be getting a girl who will have enthusiasm for school projects and will be definite asset. I am sure they will be as proud of you as we have always been. 

Honey, there is so much I feel in my heart and I sit here and don’t know  how to put it into words and especially on paper. What I am trying to say is that you are a thoughtful, considerate young lady. You care about others and try to help others in any little way you can. That is also being very grown up in many ways. 

You are about to enter into some of the happiest days of your life. I want to wish you success, joy and all the love a mother’s heart can hold. 

As I started this letter, I will close it. I love you, honey. 

Mom. 

I think this is a wonderful thing for any parent to do. I have these letters and have had them for 30 years now. In the last 30 years, I have grown up, married, had babies, lost one baby, got divorced and have had to hold my own children together through some very painful times in their young lives. People say I’m a good mom.

What else could I be? My own mother is so very excellent!

Me and my mommy!

Who Are You?

Life 1 Comment

Do you ever get tired of people telling you how you should be as a person? 

I remember having issues with friends in high school. I took my early teenage struggles to a close friend of my aunt’s who told me, “Well, you do like to talk about yourself far too much and you make everything about you so they don’t want to be your friend.” I took it as constructive criticism and went to work correcting my ways. 

Years later, as an early 20′s something, I ran into another issue with friends who accused me of all sorts of things wrong with me. Again, hurt as I was, I used the information given to better myself. 

Now, somehow throughout my whole life, I’ve always thought myself to be ugly and fat, even when I was skinny I felt fat. And I grew up with the thought-process that my life would be so much better if I could just lose weight. 

Then I got married. And my emotionally abusive husband spent ten years telling me all I can do to be a better wife. Being a loving wife, I took that information and did the very best I could to reshape, remold and remake myself into the woman he wanted. I even subjected myself to suggestions from him on how I can be better, both in bed and out, based on his experiences with other women. 

This lead to endless meetings with various people in the Christian world – some had wisdom; some didn’t. Nevertheless, it all pointed to one fact: There was something always wrong with me and never with the people around me. It was all me. This is a rule-of-thumb I lived with during my marriage, also. 

Divorce hits the self-esteem in funny ways. To me, it affirmed all my negative beliefs about myself. It confirmed I was ugly. It confirmed my life would fall apart by getting fat. It confirmed how undesirable I was and how little investment even Christian people wanted to put into me. 

So I picked myself back up from the dust of all this and became…..myself. Not the prettiest but not the ugliest. Not obese but not skinny. Not really anything but wanting to be everything. 

Over the last seven years, my self-esteem has continued to take hit after hit due to various people giving me “constructive criticism”. Yet one common theme threads through my life: Not once did any of these people ever come to me and tell me they were also hopelessly flawed and working on themselves. Not once, did any of them take accountability for who THEY are while telling me who I should be. Not once did I ever tell them who I think they should be. Not once. 

Perhaps, this is why I’m so severely protective over others trying to do the same to my children. People try to take issue with Shelby’s hair being different colors. But you know what? That’s WHO she is! And thankfully, she’s not apologizing to anyone for it. Emilie is a mini-me so I’m working on her being her own person and not having to apologize for that either. 

There really are reasons why I don’t search for friendship outside of my family. And it’s a shame because I’m a great girl!!

How Heavy is Your Grudge?

Life, Philosophy 7 Comments
Forgiveness lesson from flowers

Forgiveness lesson from flowers (Photo credit: juliejordanscott)

 

All around me I hear it. “Do you remember when so and so did this?” “I remember when, two years ago, so and so said this to me!” 

It seems the older we get, the more “stuff” we feel we have to carry. By “stuff” I mean negativity, specifically those related to grudges or past wrongs. A while ago, I was having coffee with a friend of mine and relaying a story of extreme embarrassment, something I did to her. Although I had asked her forgiveness (and received it) at the time, I never forgot or forgave myself. So imagine my surprise, upon remembering it again, when she said, “When did that happen? I have no memory of that!” 

She had done what I had not. She forgave to the degree of forgetting. I still held that grudge against myself. And even though, I’ve forgiven myself, there are times when I look back on that event and cringe. 

Holding grudges is not anything new. We do it all the time. We hear people say, “I’ll forgive but I’ll not forget.” Actually, we should be saying, “I’ll forgive and I’ll learn a valuable lesson from this.” It takes effort to remember especially when remembrance often brings with it all those hurtful feelings we felt at the time. I can be perfectly content one minute and the next, by way of remembering the emotional abuse I suffered in my marriage, be totally upset and angry. Out of that rage stemming from events seven years old now, I’ll write something in my Facebook, or on Twitter – something hateful – because, you know, misery loves company. I really don’t want to let go of that anger; I just want others to feel it with me. 

When all is said and done, where does that leave me? Have I gained anything? No. Have I solved anything? No. I fight all over again to get back to my place of peace and contentment. Admittedly, in a divorce situation where children are involved, it’s easy to do this over and over and over again. But then what happens? Am I content to transfer any unresolved feelings to my children? Or is my grudge so heavy that I just need them to bear it with me? I can tell you it’s never, ever fair to ask anyone to help you carry a grudge when you simply need to lay it down. 

Of course, the most obvious problem of carrying a grudge is often the other person either doesn’t know or no longer cares about the event. They are content while you are miserable. Thus, not only are you carrying your grudge against them but now you have the added burden of being angry because they don’t recognize your grudge. And so the grudge keeps gaining momentum as it rolls downhill taking you with it. 

Because there are so many around me who love to bear their grudges and often want me to help carry them, I’ve begun the habit of asking people, “And how long ago did this happen?” I’m laying down my grudges. One by one, I cannot bear them any longer. I am resolved to be content and no one can or will disturb that without my permission. It’s true people may not change. It’s also true I cannot change people. However, I can change how I react them. I can determine what values I’ve learned. And I can resolve to forgive.

Understand two things about forgiveness. The first is it’s a process. Some days, you will need to remind yourself to remain in an attitude of forgiveness. The second is it doesn’t make what someone did you right. It doesn’t justify it at all. But it does release you from the pain and anguish. Trust me, every time I do this, I breathe a little easier! It’s so worth it! 

So, are you ready to shed a little emotional weight?

 

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger

Life 4 Comments
Under the Tuscan Sun (film)

Under the Tuscan Sun (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun“, Diane Lane‘s character says this about divorce that bleeds truth. She says:

Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn’t actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you’ve promised to cherish till death do you part says “I never loved you,” it should kill you instantly. You shouldn’t have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn’t know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid.

As someone who has survived the end of an emotionally abusive relationship, I can attest to the truth in this. The feeling of looking around as people are smiling and wondering if you will ever smile again is one I remember all too well. Your next relationship is disastrous because, in your heart, you know you shouldn’t be kissing anyone else but the one you to whom you were married.

But have hope! There’s much to be said for experiencing the thrill of that first kiss again, especially when you thought you never would. I lost myself in my marriage and found myself through my divorce. I discovered who I was and who I want to be.

So while divorce should kill you, surviving it makes all the difference in discovering who you really are. Walk the journey slowly. Take time to wallow. Grieve carefully. Then be done with it. Forgive and move forward, one step at a time and take joy in discovering who you really are.

We Are What We Are

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I’m reading a book right now about a young girl who has stood on the outskirts of society her whole life. She’s not very pretty or witty; she’s shy but she longs for a life outside of herself. A life full of romance, excitement, a bit of drama and a whole lot of laughter. A girl….like me.

You see, for years I was a Christian wife. I prayed daily for my husband. I went to church twice on Sundays and once on Wednesday nights. I taught Sunday school, read my Bible daily, fought to be accepted among women, most of whom didn’t accept me, listened only to Christian music, and battled with myself positive that I still was nothing short than a huge disappointment to a God who required so much more than I would ever be able to give. It’s funny how free I felt from all that when I got divorced. I didn’t divorce just my husband; I divorced a whole life that I had bound myself up in an effort to be someone I clearly was not.

I will not ever go back to being that girl.

I no longer view marriage as this institution where men rule and women quiver. I have sort of “been there, done that” mentality. I prefer not to view marriage as an inequality between men and women. I also prefer not to view it as a “let’s see who’s stronger and mightier” competition it often becomes. I prefer to see it as a partnership. As long as any man thinks he’s going to into marriage with me with the ‘head of household’ mindset, there will always be a hesitancy on my part to trust him to act in the best interest of both of us as opposed to what is best only for him Again, been there, done that. This is no diatribe against men. I like men! I want a man for my very own, after all and I’m not shy to say that publicly. However, just as few women know what it’s like to be true ‘ladies’, few men know what it’s like to be true ‘gentlemen’.

But I digress. The issue is not to debate marriage. The issue is with me.

I like me! I’m not perfect but I’m real. I’m not incredibly funny but people get me. I’m seriously ambitious and have finally learned that hard work really does pay off. I’m seriously flawed and have finally come to understand that God loves me anyway. I don’t have many friends but the friends I have now I truly believe will be in my life for the rest of my life. I’m happy and more importantly, I’m content!  I may be alone but I’m certainly not lonely.

I compromised my whole person to marry one man. It is a land I won’t revisit. I choose not to. If there is a next time, he will like me for me and all of me and I won’t compromise that ever again. Sometimes, compromise can be a bad thing. It can rob you of who you are. It did to me…for ten years. I refuse to compromise who I am or what I am for another marriage or a relationship of any kind.

The girl in the book found a way to shed her outer skin, as it where. She, too, had been compromising who she was for the sake of society. Interestingly enough, once she allowed her true self to come through, she found true love.

 

The Business of A Wedding

Family, Life, Philosophy 1 Comment

June 15th, 1996. Supposedly, the happiest day of my life (before giving birth to my girls). My wedding day. 

I woke up that morning to a tension headache that only got worse as the day went on. I walked down the aisle with a 102.3 temperature. I was stressed out to the max and although I looked beautiful, I was warm in my dress and my face itched from all the makeup. My toes pinched and I had to use the bathroom in the worse way. My dress, while beautiful, just didn’t allow for such functions to be performed so easily. After the wedding, my new husband and I went to our hotel (after a quick trip to my mom’s house to change) whereby, instead of a romantic evening, I warned him not to touch me. I showered and promptly passed out on the bed. Three hours later I woke up, the fever gone and I was starving as I hadn’t eaten very much. We went to the hotel restaurant where I had my fill and then back to the hotel where we both passed out from exhaustion. 

Oddly enough, this is the norm for most newly married couples. 

According to Weddingstats.org, the average cost of a wedding is between $26k and $27k. That’s on the wedding alone!!! So here’s my question. Why is it so important to spend so much on one day for one party to celebrate something that really is quite intimate and private? 

Although I had a “wedding”, the day I actually got married was three months before the wedding day. My husband (at the time) and I got married by the Justice of the Peace wearing matching t-shirts and jeans. We got married, ran errands, got some pizza and spent the weekend holed up in our home watching movies. It was perfect and private. When my mother-in-law got married, she and her husband went to Hawaii by themselves. They had a lovely private ceremony. A small cake and coffee reception was held at a friend’s house when they came back. It was quiet, calm and beautiful. 

So what is the deal with these big weddings? I get it’s a family affair. I understand wanting to celebrate. But do we need to celebrate at $25.00 per plate? Think about it. $26k or $27k could be cash for a new car (or pay off a vehicle thus decreasing debt); it could be cash payments for furniture or even a down payment on a house. But to blow it on a dress worn only once, alcohol that causes stupidity, pictures that fade with time, food quickly eaten (and most of the time, not really enjoyed) and a cake seems a little on the ridiculous side to me. 

Am I wrong, readers? 

I’m the mom of two teenage girls. I figure both will get married at some point. Since they’re not from a wealthy family, we’ve begun to speculate over how we can cut costs. My older daughter, Shelby, made is easy and said she’ll just elope. She doesn’t like to dress up and she doesn’t like to be the center of attention. My younger girl, Emilie, is creative enough to make much of what she wants on her own. (I personally love the weddings where things are homemade.) 

Yet the question still stands. 

A wedding is a ceremony in which two people pledge their lives to each other. Promises are made. Heartfelt words are shared. So why do we feel that we have to keep up with the Joneses, as it were, when it comes to something this intimate? Consider this: 

A Brides Email to her Bridesmails

A couple of 14-carat gold wedding rings. Pictu...

A couple of 14-carat gold wedding rings. Picture taken in Brazil, where 14-carat is the most common kind of gold used in jewelry. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I mean, really? My wedding day was ok but honestly, it caused people in my family not to speak to each other. It caused hurt feelings. Money was spent that didn’t need to be spent. And 10 years later, the marriage split up. Nothing brings the ugly out of a family like a wedding or a funeral. I don’t know why that is but that seems to be a common theme in families of all shapes and sizes. Friendship are made and broken over events like a wedding. Like this poor girl – she will lose friends over this all because she wants this wedding to be this spectacular event. 

A wedding is a spectacular event but, in my humble opinion, it also is a private one. My daughters have asked me several times since my divorce what my next wedding will look like. If I get married again (I’m enjoying my singleness, at the moment), I will most likely elope. Something very private, very intimate and inexpensive. 

But that’s just me. 

Teen Talk

Christianity, Family, Life, Parenting, Philosophy, Relationships, Single Parenting 1 Comment

Every once in a while, something crosses my Facebook page alluding to teens being either smart-mouthed, unappreciative or lazy. I don’t ever re-post these nor do I “like” them. I also don’t join in with the comments made by hoards of adults who have forgotten what it was like when they were teens. 

It’s a conversation my 15-year-old and I have often. She’s always asking me what is wrong with her that adults immediately judge her just because she is a teenager? My reply is always the same. The real question is what is wrong with THEM that they would judge you because you are a teenager. 

Being a teenager is not something one chooses. It’s a phase of life and one must go through it. Most teens are just doing their best to come out on the other side without being in therapy. Likewise, so are most parents. It’s obviously a difficult time. Do we really need to make it worse by labeling them and putting them into categorized boxes? No, we really don’t. We were there once and we hated the stigma attached by the older generations just as much as they do. So why would we do that to the younger generation when we should encourage and help them?

Here’s the bottom line: 

1. If you think teens are smart-mouthed/sarcastic/etc – Rethink how you communicate. Perhaps they are only reacting off of you. I get more from my kids when I talk with them than at them. Ask them open-ended questions to spark communication. Take the time to get to the heart of the issue. 

2. If you think teens are disrespectful – Check yourself. Lead by example. This is the time when parental respect is no longer expected as much as earned. It’s OK to earn your teen’s respect. And it’s OK to demand it. But learn when to do which one at the proper time. When you’re out in public, do you respect other teens? Do you smile at them or scowl because you just “know” they’re up to no good? Be honest. Respect given is usually respect earned. 

3. If you think teens think money grows on trees – Educate them. Sit them down with you one time when you’re paying bills and let them know exactly where the money goes. My mother did this with my 14-year-old a couple of years ago and it worked wonders! She now looks for ways to be frugal and if she wants something, she looks for coupons, sales, second-hand, etc…anything to help cut the cost. She then presents it to me so we can talk about it. 

4. If you think teens are unappreciative – Show them the value of things. Educate them on how little so many have it (without rubbing it in their faces) and guide them into an understanding. I’ve done this with my girls their whole life. Their whole life, they’ve known there are others who have less and therefore, they appreciate what they have. Yes, they want more, updated and newer but they’ve learned the value of being content. They’ve also learned the value of people more than things. Time spent together is more precious to them than getting a new iPod or a new cellphone. 

5. If you think your teen dresses weird – Didn’t you at that age? Do you not realize that most likely, this is just a phase on their way to finding themselves? My older daughter is a Furry – aka a movement that imitates animals. She wears a tail almost everywhere she goes. In telling this to a co-worker, that co-worker instantly scrutinized her. She’s also received the off look from the older generations judging her for her choices. What they don’t know about her is that she is in color guard and earns As and Bs. She texts me every place she goes and checks in constantly. She worries about her grandmother’s health and thinks time spent with family is the best birthday/Christmas presents ever. She also likes to cuddle with me and nothing is taboo when we talk. Do you still think she’s weird??? 

6. If you think teens are selfish – Have you ever asked them what they would like to give back? My daughter gets such a kick out of shopping at Goodwill. Not only is she saving her family money, but she loves the odd things she can get there and she loves helping others get jobs by supporting the Goodwill. She wants to volunteer there. My other daughter wants to volunteer to help with animals. It’s the way she combats crimes against animals. So perhaps your teen isn’t really selfish; perhaps you just haven’t tapped into their generosity. Find out where their interest lies and support that! Encourage it. It may mean you have to drive them somewhere or you will have to get involved on some level. If you don’t help them give back, you cannot call them selfish. 

7. If you think teens don’t ever use good judgement – They don’t! It’s a proven fact that the part of the brain where judgement takes place doesn’t even start forming until the age of 18! Figure that teens are growing up emotionally without the ability to reason and you have a recipe for disaster unless adults step in and take an active role in their life. I have moments with my girls where I sit take them one on one and ask them what is on their hearts and minds. Then I promise them my head won’t explode. Spending time with teens is really a GOOD thing!

8. If you think teens are just boy/girl crazy – They are! They are emotionally changing at a rapid, rapid pace! They go from thinking boys have ugly germs and girls have cooties to boys being cute and girls being hot! It’s a critical, critical time for them! This is NOT the time to be shy about sex, relationships or anything like that. You MUST establish communication with them. I talk about this stuff constantly with my girls and guess what? They come to me and talk with me! It is possible to have these conversations with teens and not only be informative for them but have a sense of humor about it. They’re shy and having trouble talking about stuff like this. Be empathetic! Remember what it was like for you! And for Pete’s sake, DON’T SHRINK AWAY FROM THEM or they will soon be seeing a shrink! 

9. If you think teens sleep all the time and are lazy – Guess what? Remember that rapid growing I mentioned earlier? Take that and combine it with physical growth and hormonal changes. The body is physically tired. The only time a body goes through that type of change is when we’re babies or pregnant (obviously for women) and what do babies do? Sleep! What do young children do? Nap! What do pregnant women do? Sleep – well, as much as is possible but we do get tired when we’re pregnant! So why would anyone think that a teenager would NOT be tired??? Their bodies are growing, maturing, changing, hormones raging and growing and changing….they’re tired! And they should be! I’ve learned to respect that (keeping it all in a form of moderation) and I’ve gotten really good results from my teens. 

10. If you think teens stay up all night and that’s why they’re tired – It’s a little known fact that most teens do not naturally go to sleep until about 11pm. Teens need a minimum of 9.5 hours of sleep and with school starting early in the morning, can you imagine? My daughter doesn’t naturally fall asleep until midnight. Her bus leaves at 6:40am. That means she is up at 6am to get ready. She tries to function on 6 hours of sleep. When she comes home, she’s exhausted which leads her to nap which leads to later sleep times. A few smart school superintendents did a trial in their high schools. They started the school day an hour later. They noticed immediately teens were more alert. The grades soared and the absenteeism reduced by 75 percent! That’s a huge change for one hour!! Sleep deprivation can lead to things like depression, weight gain, skin problems, concentration issues and loss of control of emotions. So get a clue! They’re not lazy – they’re tired and they have every right to be!

These young people are our future. I keep hearing young people are getting worse and worse but what are we, as adults, doing to help them? We still in judgment but are we really doing anything? We need to stop being lazy ourselves! We need to start listening to what they’re saying. I heard a great quote on Law and Order: SVU. Det. Stabler says to his teenage daughter: “What is it with you kids?” His daughter answered (most intelligently, in my opinion): “You’re always judging us. You expect us to be like you and get mad if we’re not. It’s just easier to talk to our friends.“ 

We also make the mistake of thinking our job is done once they’re teens. People, that’s when they need us to be parents the most!!!! That’s when they need us to be adults the most!!! Usually, that’s when we desert them!  We assume they don’t need us anymore. We assume they’d rather be with their friends. We assume they’d rather be without us. I’m living proof that you can have your cake and eat it, too! My girls love spending time with their friends (all of whom I know) AND they love spending time with me. They talk with their friends AND they talk with me (usually with me first). They have no problem telling me they need me and they are still my reason for living. 

And you know what? As much as they learn from me, I learn from them. Teens are brilliant people!!!

Memories and A Trip to Michaels

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Memories

The passing of time is probably one of the most intriguing things to me. We always want to spend time, or we pass time or we try to save time. Money can be remade but time is irreplaceable. Thus, it is my belief that God gave us the power of memory in order to cope with the loss, or passing, of time.

Tonight, I dropped my daughter off at Michael’s for her cake decorating class. I am one of the least creative people I know yet this is one of my favorite stores (second only to a bookstore). When I walk through this store, my imagination goes completely wild! Here, within these colorful walls, anything is possible. Row after row of the utterly impossible come to life with a few ribbons, a few beads, and silk flowers held together by a glue gun and some fierce determination.

Tonight, I saw them. They leaped out at me straight from my childhood. Cardboard decorations. Not anything that one could make, these were the pre-made ones that you gently punch out and hang on doors with a bit of scotch tape. I stood there, a cardboard Santa in my hands, and I suddenly was transformed.

I saw myself, a young girl in my auntie’s house. She had tons of these and somehow, it was always my job to put them up around the house. No door was safe from my chubby little hands as I stuck these store-bought creations to them. Before we were through, toy solders, Santa, Mrs. Claus, Rudolph, and Frosty would stand watch over every room in the house. I could hear the music in the background, my aunt’s voice instructing us, or my uncle’s laughter. I could taste the peppermint ice cream we would afterwards. I smelled cinnamon and suddenly, couldn’t wait for that glorious night when I would go to bed dreaming of all the things I picked out of the JC Penney catalogue wondering which one Santa would bring me.

I remember the trips downtown that started early in the day. Our mission was to decorate my uncle’s office. I remember my aunt’s beehive hairdo and the faces of all people I met. Seeing my uncle’s desk would fill me with amazement. This was where all the magic happened and I couldn’t wait to become an adult to make magic too! We worked all morning playing Santa’s elves decorating, tinseling, taping and lighting. Then lunch would come which was a treat for me because getting a hamburger and fries from McDonald’s was not an everyday occurrence. Then more decorating before heading home. I believe I probably slept all the way home because I don’t remember those rides at all.

Those cardboard decorations lasted into my early adulthood. We taped and re-taped until they practically disintegrated and I was heartbroken to throw them out. But they were quickly replaced with new decorations that formed new traditions until I grew up, got married and started traditions of my own with my own babies. It’s amazing: one trip to the store took me on a trip down memory lane.

Someday, I hope my children record their memories with as much love as I record mine.

The Balance of Individuality

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I hear it all around me. People struggling to be just like everyone else. I live in the heart of it when I’m home with two teenaged girls finding their place in the world.

But did you know there’s a balance to individuality?

Common sense tells us that to think the world could be made of one sort of people would be ridiculous. We’ve heard since grade school it’s our differences that made us stand out. If that’s true, why do we try so hard to be like everyone else? Why work so hard to keep up with the Joneses?

My best thinking seems to happen in the shower. I’m an oddity of sorts. I can’t step into my own shower without a rag down on the floor for me to stand on. Call me crazy, call me odd but that’s my own individuality and my own neurosis, if you will, at work. My daughter likes to wear different earrings and different socks. That’s her own individuality at work. My other daughter twists her hair as she goes to sleep. She also seems to be able to function on less sleep than most people. That’s her individuality at work.

So where does the whole issue of ‘fitting in’ fit into this? Answer: It doesn’t. Because who wants to or needs to fit in when we are all born to stand out!

The upswing to all of this, as I tell my girls, is there is such freedom in being your own person. Thomas Edison, I’m sure, had his quirks that made him stand out. It may even have made others reject him. Yet, look at  his accomplishments. Same with Christopher Columbus and so many others who’ve made history. These people did NOT make history just by doing something great. They made history by BEING great and being themselves. There is tremendous freedom in that! Freedom from what others think allows you to do what you were made to do.

It’s even a Biblical preference where the Bible talks about one plants, another waters, another reaps….we are not made to be the same. Imagine a world of all planners and no executors. Imagine a world where everyone was creative and no one was scientific. I daresay one would easily cancel out the other for without the science and the technological know-how, there can be little to create.

Yes, I know I’m reaching here but I’m sick of people thinking it’s ok to everyone else, to be like everyone else. THAT’S HOW MOST OF US GOT INTO DEBT! Think about it.

Be creative enough to break away. Plan far enough ahead to make it happen. Learn the technology to bring the real you to the foreground. Do not be afraid to be your own individual self and know that you were created to be just like you because you have your own place and your own mark to make in the world. Know that what you have is there to be a compliment to what someone else has in order to get a job done. Don’t shirk. Don’t wish to be like so-and-so. So-and-so was created in order so that you might be to fulfil your purpose. You see, it’s my belief that what you have inside of you is there for someone like me to feed off of. And I have qualities in me that you need.

So be yourself. Stop trying to be like anyone else. You were made with all your quirk, all your oddities, all  your neurosis for a reason and a purpose that no one else can fill. In fulfilling that purpose, you bring balance to the world.

What a cool concept!