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How Heavy is Your Grudge?

Life, Philosophy 7 Comments
Forgiveness lesson from flowers

Forgiveness lesson from flowers (Photo credit: juliejordanscott)

 

All around me I hear it. “Do you remember when so and so did this?” “I remember when, two years ago, so and so said this to me!” 

It seems the older we get, the more “stuff” we feel we have to carry. By “stuff” I mean negativity, specifically those related to grudges or past wrongs. A while ago, I was having coffee with a friend of mine and relaying a story of extreme embarrassment, something I did to her. Although I had asked her forgiveness (and received it) at the time, I never forgot or forgave myself. So imagine my surprise, upon remembering it again, when she said, “When did that happen? I have no memory of that!” 

She had done what I had not. She forgave to the degree of forgetting. I still held that grudge against myself. And even though, I’ve forgiven myself, there are times when I look back on that event and cringe. 

Holding grudges is not anything new. We do it all the time. We hear people say, “I’ll forgive but I’ll not forget.” Actually, we should be saying, “I’ll forgive and I’ll learn a valuable lesson from this.” It takes effort to remember especially when remembrance often brings with it all those hurtful feelings we felt at the time. I can be perfectly content one minute and the next, by way of remembering the emotional abuse I suffered in my marriage, be totally upset and angry. Out of that rage stemming from events seven years old now, I’ll write something in my Facebook, or on Twitter – something hateful – because, you know, misery loves company. I really don’t want to let go of that anger; I just want others to feel it with me. 

When all is said and done, where does that leave me? Have I gained anything? No. Have I solved anything? No. I fight all over again to get back to my place of peace and contentment. Admittedly, in a divorce situation where children are involved, it’s easy to do this over and over and over again. But then what happens? Am I content to transfer any unresolved feelings to my children? Or is my grudge so heavy that I just need them to bear it with me? I can tell you it’s never, ever fair to ask anyone to help you carry a grudge when you simply need to lay it down. 

Of course, the most obvious problem of carrying a grudge is often the other person either doesn’t know or no longer cares about the event. They are content while you are miserable. Thus, not only are you carrying your grudge against them but now you have the added burden of being angry because they don’t recognize your grudge. And so the grudge keeps gaining momentum as it rolls downhill taking you with it. 

Because there are so many around me who love to bear their grudges and often want me to help carry them, I’ve begun the habit of asking people, “And how long ago did this happen?” I’m laying down my grudges. One by one, I cannot bear them any longer. I am resolved to be content and no one can or will disturb that without my permission. It’s true people may not change. It’s also true I cannot change people. However, I can change how I react them. I can determine what values I’ve learned. And I can resolve to forgive.

Understand two things about forgiveness. The first is it’s a process. Some days, you will need to remind yourself to remain in an attitude of forgiveness. The second is it doesn’t make what someone did you right. It doesn’t justify it at all. But it does release you from the pain and anguish. Trust me, every time I do this, I breathe a little easier! It’s so worth it! 

So, are you ready to shed a little emotional weight?

 

Time for a Check-Up

Family, Life, Parenting 1 Comment

I  love spending time with my girls. We do a lot together. We go to the mall and walk around. We ride bikes, go swimming, take the dog for walks, go to the library, paint ceramics and have movie nights. We also spend time talking; we “bare our souls and tell the most appalling secrets”. In doing this, I’ve created two such people who, while they love their laptops and smartphones, they aren’t afraid to put them down and shut them off in favor of time with Mom or time with the family. This makes me very proud of them. It makes me want to spend even more time with them.

 

These are moments I cherish and these two people are my favorite people in the whole world. Occasionally, during these precious moments, we get down to a little more serious business and give each other a check-up of sorts.

 

See, I’m not afraid to ask my girls how I can be a better mother. I’m not afraid to let them critic me. Likewise, I critic them and we talk openly about what I need from them or what I need less of from them. This helps us grow. It also builds trust. There’s a specific level of intimacy achieved during these times where my girls realize they can trust me with anything and know my head won’t explode.

 

In these times, this is very important.

 

Of course, I’m not naïve enough to think they aren’t talking with their friends and having secrets with them. They are allowed. However, serious stuff is kept between us and they save their deepest, darkest fears and concerns for my ears and my heart to hear. After all, I’m their mom. Only I can kiss it and make it all better.

 

So don’t be afraid, my dear parents, to ask your kids, “How am I doing? Is there anything you need from me?” And be smart enough to discuss with them your plan to be a better parent. Then follow through on that plan!

 

 

Does your relationship with your kids need a prescription?

 

Shelby and Emilie

 

Shopping

Family, Food, Health and Fitness, Life, Parenting, Shopping, Single Parenting Leave a comment

Tonight’s shopping list is brought to you by “the Jewels”, as we Chicagoans say it. 

1. Milk – Always and forever need milk
2. TP – same as above. One can never have too much. 
3. Tissues – My Shelby has been sick for the last three days with a nasty cold and she’s gone through about a box and a half. 

That’s it. That’s my evening. Now for some apple-flavored wine bought for me by my dad and stepmom for my birthday……mmmmmm.

 

The Book of Face

Family, Life, Parenting, Philosophy Leave a comment
Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Image via CrunchBase

When Facebook popped on the scene, I remember thinking “Cool!“. Another way to keep in touch with people. I loved it. I friended my family and friends and began posting away. 

But then it morphed and became this entity. And the entity grew. Soon, companies were using it to expose unhappy employees. Relationships were made and broken on Facebook. It became alive. It developed its own voice and whispered in the ears of its users little monologues both good and bad. And people posted without thinking. It became a measuring tool. The more friends you had, the more popular you must be and people began friending everyone! 

I confess I was one of those who friended everyone, desperate to show the world and myself that I was worth something. My witty side came out and I found a place where I could be snarky as well as serious. I invited people into my life to share some very personal moments. I exposed my children. And I paid the price and so did my children. 

Recently, I decided my Facebook should only be for people I’m close with. So many of my co-workers and people I went to grammar/high school with were deleted. Did you hear what I said? I said I “deleted” them – not unfriended them. I know the correct term is “unfriend” however, if we were only ever acquaintances to begin with, then I can’t really “unfriend” you. Furthermore, the whole idea of “unfriending” promotes a negative attitude among people who really were never friends to begin with. 

Case in point – someone who I deleted messaged me recently upset that they were no longer on my Facebook. I politely explained to her that in all the time we were Facebook “friends”, we’d never communicated. Plus, I hadn’t seen her in several years so I felt the deletion justified. She was upset with me and took offense. 

Another case in point – My daughter Shelby is in color guard at school. The few of the girls decided it would be best if they all became Facebook friends in order to communicate. (They had also exchanged phone numbers to text each other.) Shelby came down sick with the flu and missed a competition. The night of the competition, she was in bed and watching TV. She posted that. Upon returning to school, this girl berated her for enjoying a tv show when she should have slept. Er? Knowing these two girls don’t get along, I asked Shelby why she was Facebook friends with her and she said this girl wanted it. I encouraged her to delete this person as there’s no reason why this person needs to know any of the details of her personal life. 

Facebook, like the media, seems to have grown into a larger monster than originally intended. The media was only supposed to raise awareness and report the news – not be a political entity on its own. Facebook was only supposed to connect people – not be a social entity which enables drama. Don’t we have reality TV for that? 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti-Facebook. After all, it’s not Facebook’s problem (there I go – humanizing it) that people break up over what he/she said on their page. It’s the people who post without filters. However, I stand by my decision – if I would not ever entertain you in my home, I will not “friend” you. This doesn’t mean I dislike you. It doesn’t make me a mean person. It makes me careful about what I allow in my on-line home.

Teen Talk

Christianity, Family, Life, Parenting, Philosophy, Relationships, Single Parenting 1 Comment

Every once in a while, something crosses my Facebook page alluding to teens being either smart-mouthed, unappreciative or lazy. I don’t ever re-post these nor do I “like” them. I also don’t join in with the comments made by hoards of adults who have forgotten what it was like when they were teens. 

It’s a conversation my 15-year-old and I have often. She’s always asking me what is wrong with her that adults immediately judge her just because she is a teenager? My reply is always the same. The real question is what is wrong with THEM that they would judge you because you are a teenager. 

Being a teenager is not something one chooses. It’s a phase of life and one must go through it. Most teens are just doing their best to come out on the other side without being in therapy. Likewise, so are most parents. It’s obviously a difficult time. Do we really need to make it worse by labeling them and putting them into categorized boxes? No, we really don’t. We were there once and we hated the stigma attached by the older generations just as much as they do. So why would we do that to the younger generation when we should encourage and help them?

Here’s the bottom line: 

1. If you think teens are smart-mouthed/sarcastic/etc – Rethink how you communicate. Perhaps they are only reacting off of you. I get more from my kids when I talk with them than at them. Ask them open-ended questions to spark communication. Take the time to get to the heart of the issue. 

2. If you think teens are disrespectful – Check yourself. Lead by example. This is the time when parental respect is no longer expected as much as earned. It’s OK to earn your teen’s respect. And it’s OK to demand it. But learn when to do which one at the proper time. When you’re out in public, do you respect other teens? Do you smile at them or scowl because you just “know” they’re up to no good? Be honest. Respect given is usually respect earned. 

3. If you think teens think money grows on trees – Educate them. Sit them down with you one time when you’re paying bills and let them know exactly where the money goes. My mother did this with my 14-year-old a couple of years ago and it worked wonders! She now looks for ways to be frugal and if she wants something, she looks for coupons, sales, second-hand, etc…anything to help cut the cost. She then presents it to me so we can talk about it. 

4. If you think teens are unappreciative – Show them the value of things. Educate them on how little so many have it (without rubbing it in their faces) and guide them into an understanding. I’ve done this with my girls their whole life. Their whole life, they’ve known there are others who have less and therefore, they appreciate what they have. Yes, they want more, updated and newer but they’ve learned the value of being content. They’ve also learned the value of people more than things. Time spent together is more precious to them than getting a new iPod or a new cellphone. 

5. If you think your teen dresses weird – Didn’t you at that age? Do you not realize that most likely, this is just a phase on their way to finding themselves? My older daughter is a Furry – aka a movement that imitates animals. She wears a tail almost everywhere she goes. In telling this to a co-worker, that co-worker instantly scrutinized her. She’s also received the off look from the older generations judging her for her choices. What they don’t know about her is that she is in color guard and earns As and Bs. She texts me every place she goes and checks in constantly. She worries about her grandmother’s health and thinks time spent with family is the best birthday/Christmas presents ever. She also likes to cuddle with me and nothing is taboo when we talk. Do you still think she’s weird??? 

6. If you think teens are selfish – Have you ever asked them what they would like to give back? My daughter gets such a kick out of shopping at Goodwill. Not only is she saving her family money, but she loves the odd things she can get there and she loves helping others get jobs by supporting the Goodwill. She wants to volunteer there. My other daughter wants to volunteer to help with animals. It’s the way she combats crimes against animals. So perhaps your teen isn’t really selfish; perhaps you just haven’t tapped into their generosity. Find out where their interest lies and support that! Encourage it. It may mean you have to drive them somewhere or you will have to get involved on some level. If you don’t help them give back, you cannot call them selfish. 

7. If you think teens don’t ever use good judgement – They don’t! It’s a proven fact that the part of the brain where judgement takes place doesn’t even start forming until the age of 18! Figure that teens are growing up emotionally without the ability to reason and you have a recipe for disaster unless adults step in and take an active role in their life. I have moments with my girls where I sit take them one on one and ask them what is on their hearts and minds. Then I promise them my head won’t explode. Spending time with teens is really a GOOD thing!

8. If you think teens are just boy/girl crazy – They are! They are emotionally changing at a rapid, rapid pace! They go from thinking boys have ugly germs and girls have cooties to boys being cute and girls being hot! It’s a critical, critical time for them! This is NOT the time to be shy about sex, relationships or anything like that. You MUST establish communication with them. I talk about this stuff constantly with my girls and guess what? They come to me and talk with me! It is possible to have these conversations with teens and not only be informative for them but have a sense of humor about it. They’re shy and having trouble talking about stuff like this. Be empathetic! Remember what it was like for you! And for Pete’s sake, DON’T SHRINK AWAY FROM THEM or they will soon be seeing a shrink! 

9. If you think teens sleep all the time and are lazy – Guess what? Remember that rapid growing I mentioned earlier? Take that and combine it with physical growth and hormonal changes. The body is physically tired. The only time a body goes through that type of change is when we’re babies or pregnant (obviously for women) and what do babies do? Sleep! What do young children do? Nap! What do pregnant women do? Sleep – well, as much as is possible but we do get tired when we’re pregnant! So why would anyone think that a teenager would NOT be tired??? Their bodies are growing, maturing, changing, hormones raging and growing and changing….they’re tired! And they should be! I’ve learned to respect that (keeping it all in a form of moderation) and I’ve gotten really good results from my teens. 

10. If you think teens stay up all night and that’s why they’re tired – It’s a little known fact that most teens do not naturally go to sleep until about 11pm. Teens need a minimum of 9.5 hours of sleep and with school starting early in the morning, can you imagine? My daughter doesn’t naturally fall asleep until midnight. Her bus leaves at 6:40am. That means she is up at 6am to get ready. She tries to function on 6 hours of sleep. When she comes home, she’s exhausted which leads her to nap which leads to later sleep times. A few smart school superintendents did a trial in their high schools. They started the school day an hour later. They noticed immediately teens were more alert. The grades soared and the absenteeism reduced by 75 percent! That’s a huge change for one hour!! Sleep deprivation can lead to things like depression, weight gain, skin problems, concentration issues and loss of control of emotions. So get a clue! They’re not lazy – they’re tired and they have every right to be!

These young people are our future. I keep hearing young people are getting worse and worse but what are we, as adults, doing to help them? We still in judgment but are we really doing anything? We need to stop being lazy ourselves! We need to start listening to what they’re saying. I heard a great quote on Law and Order: SVU. Det. Stabler says to his teenage daughter: “What is it with you kids?” His daughter answered (most intelligently, in my opinion): “You’re always judging us. You expect us to be like you and get mad if we’re not. It’s just easier to talk to our friends.“ 

We also make the mistake of thinking our job is done once they’re teens. People, that’s when they need us to be parents the most!!!! That’s when they need us to be adults the most!!! Usually, that’s when we desert them!  We assume they don’t need us anymore. We assume they’d rather be with their friends. We assume they’d rather be without us. I’m living proof that you can have your cake and eat it, too! My girls love spending time with their friends (all of whom I know) AND they love spending time with me. They talk with their friends AND they talk with me (usually with me first). They have no problem telling me they need me and they are still my reason for living. 

And you know what? As much as they learn from me, I learn from them. Teens are brilliant people!!!